ME& my black hole of depression

Well I know I’ve not posted in a while but I’ve been engulfed by a great big dark hole of depression. Despite G finding some temp work for the next three months, money is still a major worry. I’ve worked an extra 82 hours in the last month due to me worrying about our money situation. Because of the extra overtime I’ve been feeling tired and exhausted. My sleep pattern has been all over the place and I’m feeling extremely run down.

My self esteem is at an all time low, I feel totally unattractive, over weight and spotty. I’m too tired to go to the gym and I’m averaging about one trip a week, compared to my four or five from previous winds. No matter what I pull from my wardrobe I feel frumpy and out of fashion – sometimes I wish I could just stay in be until all my problems were sorted.

There was also a promotional opportunity at work but I was so tired that I just couldn’t force myself to apply. To be honest the job role wasn’t one I was totally enthusiastic about, but it was a job I could have done with my eyes closed. Plus the salary increase would have helped. G was ok about it and while understanding the extra money would have been great he knew the role wasn’t for me and could have possible lead to a further reason to be down.

I’m not sure whether I should start taking medication again or whether I should sit this one out in the hope that things will get better. I’ve already decided to cut back on the overtime at work and now G has a job for the next three months the money pressure has been temporality alleviated but not rectified. I just hate all this uncertainty, recession and doom and gloom. I know people may be thinking what the hell you’re healthy, have a full time well paid job and I’m not dying of some horrible disease what are you complaining about. But I hate uncertainty, I hate my boat being rocked, I’m beginning to hate myself.