Poobaba

ME@ 25-03-10

2010-03-25T14:46:00.000-07:00

All I can say is despite the hard front I may have put across in my last post I’ve actually been a bit of a wreck this week, I’ve been having trouble sleeping and as I’m working late this week I’ve been getting home when G has already gone to bed. I’ve felt like my heart has been broken and I’ve been left in relationship limbo – well last night I managed to skip off work early and talk to G about the whole thing.

It turns out that what he meant was that he’s just emotionally drained – and while he still loves me he’s lost the passion he had for me and needs to sort himself out so he can find that passion again. So in short he doesn’t want to leave me, but he can’t guarantee that our relationship will be his priority just now. He also flagged that he’s worried that if we’re not having sex that my eye will wander. I’ve reassured him that this won’t be an issue as my sex drive has declined since I’ve started taking my anti-depressants again. Plus I’m already on excellent terms with Palm and her five sisters and their friend internet porn.

I’ve told him that I’m still willing to attend a relationship councillor but I think that he should see a therapist alone. He’s dealt with a lot in the last seven years – my breakdown over my father, his friend Kat committing suicide, his aunty dying, his Dad’s stroke and us getting burgled. Unlike me he doesn’t self medicate with anti-depressants, I’ve been through therapy and freely express myself with my family. He doesn’t – while his family background appears to be the perfect happy family he’s often listening to his mum off load but he keeps his thoughts and feelings to himself. Maybe this is why he feels drained. I’ll fully support him through this process as I’m an advocate of therapy and wouldn’t be here without it.

However, I have made him promise that if he suddenly feels the one thing that will make him happy is being single that he lets me know as we are so financially entwined that any separation will need to be friendly.

So that now leaves me in a relationship that’s on standby – while he sorts his head out, but at least I can clearly see where he is coming from and I know he loves me.

ME@ 20-03-10

2010-03-20T11:29:00.000-07:00

Well after a fairly ok week with my family I returned home. I don’t know why but call it a sixth sense but I knew something was up with G. I was a bit saddened to return to an empty house despite him knowing what time I’d be back from Edinburgh. About 40mins of being home alone he returned with a lack lustre welcome home, I’d sort of prepared myself for this and asked what was wrong.

He told me he feels his identity has been smothered, that he hates his job, he hates our house, he has no close friends and while he can’t see himself spending the rest of his life with anyone but me, he's not in love with me – although he loves me.

I pointed out that the house, his job and his lack of close friends are out of my control. What I can’t change is how he feels about me, I asked him point blank if he wanted to split up and he said no. But he wants is us to go to a relationship councillor. He wants to get back the spark he felt for me in the beginning. I told him I'd give it six months and if he still feels the same then we'd need to split.

He also stuck the knife in by saying that I was drinking and taking drugs more often, which is totally untrue I was doing so much more of this when we met and yes I did go off the rails in the run up to Christmas last year but I’ve stopped and put my self on anti-depressants to stabilise my moods. I got the feeling that he felt this was too little too late.

While trying to be understanding my automatic pilot kicked in and part of me is thinking what happens if we split. We’d have to get our civil partnership dissolved meaning we’d both be the first kids in our families to have a divorce. We jointly own two properties although our house is only just worth what we paid for it and not what we’ve put into it. Would I stay in London or would I move back up to Scotland – I’d need to stay within the civil service.

While I half expected something was up – this has taken me by surprise. I’m really mixed up – I don’t know how to act around G anymore. Are we together or are we in the process of splitting up? Part of me thinks we should be in separate beds, part of me thinks he’s being cruel making me wait while he decided whether he wants to be with me. Is the fact that I’m planning for the worst out come going to stifle any possible fix in our relationship a councillor could offer?

I still love G and don't want to split up from him, but I can't make him be in love with me. I'll be heart broken if we do split, but I'll pick myself up again. I don't want this to happen and can't understand why he has laid all his problems down to semi falling out of love with me.

ME@ 14-03-10

2010-03-15T01:50:00.000-07:00

Well after Christmas at home with the family went without a hitch I decided to book a whole week off work and go back to Edinburgh for my sister Lyndsay's 30th birthday.

I took the train as it is so more civilised than flying cattle class with some cheap airline. On the way up I met a lovely couple from Newcastle who were celebrating a birthday. I never usually speak to strangers but for some reason I struck up a conversation with this couple, she was fairly pretty and her boyfriend was rather cute.

Anyway it turned out that they were both 40, engaged to married (not the first time for either of them) and that they had met on Facebook. I've never met anyone who has met and fell in love from an internet dating site let alone a social networking site like Facebook. Chatting to them happily distracted me from watching the end of the very depressing film called "The Road".

When I got off the train I was a little lubricated thanks to the bottle of red wine I consumed during the four hour trip. But this did not phase my need for military timetabling when it came to getting my mum and little sister ready. After they both got dressed I was in charge of hair and makeup - which I don't mind saying I made a great job off.

My little 16 year sister passed for a few years older and my mum looked ethereal thanks to her lovely Grecian inspired dress. We were first at the bar and I found my little sister could not walk in the towering high heels she'd bought and insisted in wearing, this lead to most of the picture of her clinging onto someone to steady herself.

The party soon got swinging and my other sister, Lyndsay looked great. Her boyfriend Jon was DJ for the night and supplied the venue with some soul and funk all through the night. Despite my pleas for a little Gaga no gay music was played.

My mum left at 10pm a little worse for wear but she left me looking after my younger sister. We continued to drink and dance until 1am in the morning. Everyone else headed back to Lyndsay's to continue the party. Me, I took my little sister home as I knew we had to be in a decent state for Mothering Sunday.

It was the first time I'd been home for Mothering Sunday in 21 years so my mum was ecstatic, she was inundated with flowers and after my hangover subsided we all went out for a dinner. All in all it was lovely to make it up for my sisters 30th birthday and mother’s day.

me@ 13-03-10

2010-03-12T17:11:00.000-08:00

Sorry not posted anything in a while - work has been so busy, but tomorrow I'm off up to Edinburgh for the week. It's my sisters 30th b'day on Tuesday but she's throwing a party tomorrow night, plus it means I can be up there for mothers day.

In the mean time I'm still Gaga - espically over Lady Gaga & Beyonce's new song and video for Telephone - corny and cool.

ME@ 26-2-10

2010-02-26T20:20:00.000-08:00

Well tonight I witnessed the concert for new queen of pop and all things conceptual - Lady Gaga. G & I saw her opening night in London's O2. It was a fairly high spec show considering this time last year she'd only had one song and opened for the Pussy Cat Dolls.

Anyway Lady Gaga stepped up to the plate of large arena tours, but she lacked the sleek polish of the veterans like Madonna and Kylie.

Her singing was great, it was all live, her piano playing perfect, costumes didn't disappoint and her audience interaction was lengthy and deep unlike the veterans who limit it to 'hello {insert town}'.

G & I queued up to get in and the son of the disgraced MPs Derek Conway was behind us with wired posse. His group had all dressed up, although with Derek son ladies clothes are the norm. One of his friends had the tightest gold leggings, while they added to the disco theme they also highlighted he had a small cock.

Gaga's concert had four themes with the story running through that she was taking us to the monster ball. The only problem was the transition from the sections, it was done with video - but they all seemed long and irrelevant to the theme. And while we all love Gag's concepts, the videos were self indulgent images of her, which was strange as the concert programme had no new photo's.

The audience was mainly gay men, but there were a few straight couples and loads of fag hags. The strange thing was that a lot of the fag hags styled themselves on the Essex WAG wannabe look, with orange tan and jet black dyed hair. Scarily the young gays they hung around them followed suite. It was just so wrong and so scary. It made me glad to be a middle aged gay.

While it was a good showcase for her Fame Monster album, it wasn't a slick show. Something that may worked in her favour. At one point she spent at least 5 mins talking about how she loved London, that the crowd yelled for her to sing. She finished the show with Bad Romance, but I read that she does a second encore of 'Let's dance' but the audience began to leave so the house lights came up - disappointed

ME@ 22-02-10

2010-02-22T08:39:00.000-08:00

The Bafta’s took place on Sunday night and while they are a time of celebration for the British film industry, for G & I they are a time of sadness. Two years ago our friend Kat committed suicide, she was a make up artist and had worked at the Bafta’s. That night after work she went to a few of the after show parties, got extremely drunk. Stumbled to a friend’s house and asked to sleep over. Despite being woken up at 5am, the friend thought nothing off the impromptu call and in the morning left leaving Kat to sleep it off her hangover. When he got back in the afternoon he walked in and found her hanging from the light fixture.

This was a tragic loss of life, it shocked G as he couldn’t and still doesn’t understand why if she’d felt that down she didn’t reach out to one of her friends, why she didn’t reach out to him. We are left with lots of questions and no answers as to why she felt suicide was the only option open to her. So every year when the Bafta’s come around we have a gentle reminder of a lost friend and no matter how depressed I myself get, I give thanks that I have friends and family I can talk to about things.

ME@ 18-02-10

2010-02-18T05:02:00.000-08:00

Well I’ve been extremely naughty and have entered the virtual digital sexual world. This week I participated in a cyber – webcam jack off circle. I’ve never used my webcam before let alone participated in cyber sex, but the occasion presented itself and I’ve never been one to turn my back on a new experience so I took part.

I was strange as there were fifteen other guys online from around the globe (mainly American). Some were in good shape, other were fat, and myself, I was in between with my little midlife paunch. Anyway it was strange as all you could see where peoples groins, stomachs and hands – no faces and a couple of the guys had mics so were making funny noises that that I assume were supposed to be sexual but sounded more like sweaty pigs grunting for food.

I only lasted a couple of minutes, no I didn’t suffer from premature ejaculation, but I realised that this wasn’t hot or horny but funny and embarrassing, so I logged off and powered down my PC. I can understand someone sending you a hot picture, but that is as far as my cyber sexual feelings will get aroused. This virtual jack off circle was just humiliating, surely the whole concept of this is to get off on someone being beside you beating their meat, but you not being able to touch them. You can drop the virtual, give me reality any day.

ME@ 12-02-10

2010-02-12T10:54:00.000-08:00

Well despite the tragic news of Alexander McQueen's death my Thursday evening was a fairly star studded event. I met up with my friend S as he'd gotten free tickets to see 'Thriller the musical'. S's friend does PR for West End shows and it was the one year anniversary of 'Thriller the musical'.

I must say calling it a musical is a long stretch as it was just a glorified tribute act, but a very good one. The show consisted of music from the life of Michael Jackson, preformed by four singers, two black guys, one white guy and a girl. The staging was good with loads of dancers which gave the whole thing a party atmosphere.

I guess the reason this show has lasted a year is downto the fact that people have flocked to see it as a tribute to Michael Jackson following his death. I know they had to move to a bigger theatre not long after Michael passed away to accommodate demand.

Anyway what was the icing on the cake was the free tickets my friend had blagged were press tickets and we were sat beside 80's singer Patti Boulaye and her husband. Beside her was Rowetta from X-factor a couple of years ago, then was Danyl and Lloyd from X-factor just gone. By the way the rumours about those two being an item are so true, they were like two little loved up girls fawning all over each other. Then the fat one from Miss Frank and Rachel from X-factor and the extremely happy Kim Mazelle.

The entire row behind was taken by Xfactor winner Joe McElderry and his family who had been shipped down from up north. It was like an X-factor reunion - although they all must be hanging out together all the time with the X-factor tour about to start.

Anyway they all went to the after show party, as did I. I got extremely drunk and chatted to Patti who told me about attending Michael Jackson's 40th birthday party. I also got mistaken for Peter Andre twice, unfortunately I wasn't that drunk to play up to it.

ME@ 11-02-10

2010-02-11T12:30:00.000-08:00

I can't believe the news reports that one of the best great British fashion designers has taken his own life. My life has criss crossed that of Alexander McQueen in a small insignificant way.

When I was at St Martins / The London Insitute so was he, a good friend of mine was one of his closest collaborators while he was at college and inputted significantly into his early collection that first featured the bumster trouser for woman and had the theme of tyre prints over the clothes.

In my final year a Uni me and some class mates helped out at one of his shows. It was like pure theatre, the runway was a made of perspex and was filled with clear liquid. Half way through the show fire sprinklers were switched on over the catwalk and the models strutted down getting wet but still looking sexy. To symbolise the coming of the rain storm the liquid in the perspex runway filled with a black dye.

I later found out that my husband, G was good friends with Alexander McQueen's current boyfriend and they spent most of this early decade clubbing together.

What is also sad is that while Alexander McQueen took his own life, he really died of a broken heart following his mothers death a couple of weeks ago. We always look at celebrities, models, fashion designers and people in the spot light as having it all and living the dream, what we don't realise is that they are as fragile and lonely as you and me at times.

Rest in peace Lee and thank you for bringing your perspective of beauty into the world. x

ME@ 11-02-10

2010-02-11T04:50:00.000-08:00

In the all male gay environment there are many type of sex and everything is catered for. I recently stumbled upon a website called Cruz. I was shocked at how it was really just a website for straight up hard core sex. It is a totally hard, more in your face version of Gaydar or Grinder. Guys on there are looking for one thing only and that is sexual encounters with no strings and possibly in groups. Sex hungry men hunting in packs, for their next feeding frenzy of cock.

Within minutes of taking the free tour I received two messages from local guys, who described themselves as bi-curious looking for group sex. This was full on male, no holds barred, testosterone filled relief requests, accompanied by pictures of appendages in erect states. It’s like the type of action you’d expect in a sauna or backroom but on your door step in suburbia. Who’d of know behind all those mundane looking Victorian terraced houses laid a hot bed of man on man sexual tension.

I'm not a prude and have been, seen and done all that in my past but I'd now describe my sexual appetite as being slightly vanilla, plus I'm a married man the bombardment of requests and explicit pictures scared me a little so I logged off and deleted the link. But it did leave a slightly seedy taste in my mouth. The gay world I live in has a shiny fashion gloss to it. In fact apart from the fact I am married to a man it is practically a straight life.

I’m not condoning those who use Cruz or other such websites, in fact I’m glad they have an honest upfront outlet, but it to me it all seemed like finding a porno magazine when your young and stumbling across reader wives adverts, and then thinking you could have passed those people in the supermarket.