ME@ 20-03-10

Well after a fairly ok week with my family I returned home. I don’t know why but call it a sixth sense but I knew something was up with G. I was a bit saddened to return to an empty house despite him knowing what time I’d be back from Edinburgh. About 40mins of being home alone he returned with a lack lustre welcome home, I’d sort of prepared myself for this and asked what was wrong.

He told me he feels his identity has been smothered, that he hates his job, he hates our house, he has no close friends and while he can’t see himself spending the rest of his life with anyone but me, he's not in love with me – although he loves me.

I pointed out that the house, his job and his lack of close friends are out of my control. What I can’t change is how he feels about me, I asked him point blank if he wanted to split up and he said no. But he wants is us to go to a relationship councillor. He wants to get back the spark he felt for me in the beginning. I told him I'd give it six months and if he still feels the same then we'd need to split.

He also stuck the knife in by saying that I was drinking and taking drugs more often, which is totally untrue I was doing so much more of this when we met and yes I did go off the rails in the run up to Christmas last year but I’ve stopped and put my self on anti-depressants to stabilise my moods. I got the feeling that he felt this was too little too late.

While trying to be understanding my automatic pilot kicked in and part of me is thinking what happens if we split. We’d have to get our civil partnership dissolved meaning we’d both be the first kids in our families to have a divorce. We jointly own two properties although our house is only just worth what we paid for it and not what we’ve put into it. Would I stay in London or would I move back up to Scotland – I’d need to stay within the civil service.

While I half expected something was up – this has taken me by surprise. I’m really mixed up – I don’t know how to act around G anymore. Are we together or are we in the process of splitting up? Part of me thinks we should be in separate beds, part of me thinks he’s being cruel making me wait while he decided whether he wants to be with me. Is the fact that I’m planning for the worst out come going to stifle any possible fix in our relationship a councillor could offer?

I still love G and don't want to split up from him, but I can't make him be in love with me. I'll be heart broken if we do split, but I'll pick myself up again. I don't want this to happen and can't understand why he has laid all his problems down to semi falling out of love with me.