ME& this funny old life

Despite the lovely spring weather this week my mood has taken a dark turn, I am feeling so flat and down that I just can’t shake it. I should be on a high as I had a lovely weekend with my Mum. She really liked her makeover, Tina Turner was great the only upsetting thing was realising that my Mum may have a slight drinking problem. She has really bad shakes in the mornings and usually has her first glass of wine around 11am. I challenged her on it a few times but she said it was withdrawal from smoking. I mentioned it to my sister Lyndsay and she said that the shakes had actually improved.

Then last Friday I got an email from a friend of a friend out of the blue telling me an old friend / ex from my Newcastle days had passed away. While I was a little shocked this person had got in touch with me, I was really saddened that someone I know / knew had passed away. It got me thinking about what the point of life is? I know if you are straight you have kids and then you work to give your kids a better life, protect them and watch them grow up. But when you are gay what’s the point of life as its all work.

I know I’m lucky as I have a partner, a house, flat in Italy, kittens and a decent job, but is that it for me am I destined just to work and live? If so then what’s the point. This dark cloud has spread as I’m now looking in the mirror and not liking what I see back. My skin is terrible, I look and feel old, I am not the weight I’d like to be, I can’t get rid of my love handles, I have nothing interesting to say to people, I just want to stay in bed and hide beneath the covers.

Also added onto this is the fact the G is now redundant and despite him telling me not to worry, my current frame of mind is working overboard and I’m already picturing us loosing the house and living on the street. G is also asking me what wrong every two minutes which is driving me mad, there is only so many times I can tell him I’m just feeling a little flat. I’m beginning to wonder if I need to see the doctor to go back on anti-depressants, I don’t want to.
Sometimes I feel like just running away from this all for a day or two. I need to sort this out, I need to have more fun in my life, but I’m worried about money, I can’t afford to have fun at the moment!